A British maternity hospital is reportedly offering a “have one get one free” policy on all babies who will grow up to be tech house DJs.

The latest statistics indicate that approximately 73% of all babies born in the UK this year will become tech house DJs at some point over the course of their lives.

“At the moment, about three out of every four babies born in the UK will end up being a tech house DJ in some shape or form,” explained Danny Dyer, who just happened to be around at the time. “Some of you probably think that’s great but, believe it or not, there are quite a few people aren’t into tech house.”

“For them, the thought of having a tech house DJ for a baby is pretty much a lifelong sentence to annoying music and washing shitty looking floral shirts,” continued Dyer. “That’s why almost half of the tech house DJ babies being born are abandoned in maternity hospitals.”

According to a government official, the social care system in the country simply does not the budget or will to deal with the ever-growing number of tech house DJs falling into their care.

“The number of tech house babies abandoned at birth in the UK is rising at an alarming rate,” claimed our source. “We simply don’t have anywhere to put them so we’ve decided that all maternity hospitals will be operating a have one get one free offer with all tech house DJ babies.”

New parents Sally and Mike Rush claim they are “gutted” they had their baby too early to avail of the latest offer.

“Aw, we love a bit of tech house,” revealed Mike earlier. “Our little lad, Solardo, was only born two weeks ago and he’s already wearing snapback caps, you can tell he’ll be a great tech house DJ someday.”

“It’s such a pity he wasn’t born a couple of weeks later and we could have two little tech house DJs running around the place,” he continued. “Our nursery would have been just like the Sankeys DJ box.”