A thirty-year-old Irishman is reportedly still of the opinion that going out and getting smashed every single weekend is far more important than getting a mortgage.
John Sweeney, a Dublin based plasterer, believes that going on the session has helped to keep him young and that committing to something as big as a mortgage would be likely to kill him.
“I’m telling you now, there’s no way I’d last another two years on this planet if I had a mortgage,” Sweeney explained to Wunderground earlier today. “That kind of responsibility is not good for a bloke like me, if I went into a bank now and even enquired about a mortgage, I’d be signing my own death warrant.”
“If it didn’t kill me it would definitely kill my spirit, which is probably even worse,” he continued. “It’s not even about the money, I’d probably save a bleeding fortune if I had a mortgage, sometimes I think I’m going to need a mortgage to cover the cost of a weekend on the bag.”
“At the end of the day, going on mad sessions is pretty much all I have in this world, it keeps me sane, reminds me that I’m normal and shows me the finer things in life, like having a prostitute blow coke up your arse in Amsterdam,” he revealed. “If I didn’t have that, I’d either be dead, dead inside or, worst of all, a boring cunt.”
Pat Russell, a friend of Mr Sweeney, claims the thirty-year-old is never likely to settle down in any capacity.
“He’s a bit of a free spirit is our John,” he told us. “And by free spirit I mean total wreck head. The man’s a machine. If he ever gives up the session there’ll be a couple of very sad South American drug cartels. I’ve been telling him to sort his shit out and get a mortgage for years now but he’s not interested. Funnily enough, I always thought I wanted one until I got one, now I wish I was still going out and getting on it every weekend with John again.”
According to unconfirmed and almost certainly wrong rumours, having a mortgage, children or any sort of responsibility can shorten life expectancy by almost fifteen percent, more on this as we get it.