Spread the love

The latest reports from the streets of London, England, suggest that cocaine is now easier to get in the city than pizza, except for when you actually want it.

Sources in London claim that low-level street dealers outnumber pizza restaurants by almost six to one, making it one of Europe’s busiest drug hotspots.

We spoke to Shaun, a dealer, about the recent influx of cocaine on the capital’s streets, “You want coke mate? I’ll get you coke right now if you want it mate,” he said, while we were thinking “fuck it, when in Rome” even though we were in London. “Oh, you actually do want it, yeah let me make a call for you mate.”

After forty minutes, Shaun returned and told us he could get us coke but we’d have to wait for up to three hours for it to arrive.

“Usually I can get it for you straight away man but I’m all out and now I’ve to wait for my mate Swifty to bring it over from Brixton,” he unconvincingly explained to us. “He won’t be long, he finishes work in about two hours and it won’t take him long to get over once he’s off, it’ll be about three hours mate, max.”

At this point, we decided to go for some food while waiting for the not so swift Swifty to arrive with the goods, which we purchasing purely for research reasons. Naturally, we decided to go on the hunt for some pizza, which we found within four minutes.

We also spoke to Gianluca, owner of the cleverly named Gianluca’s Pizzeria, “We got thin crust, we got thick crust, we got pizza pie, we got calzone, we got stuffed crust, you want pizza, we got pizza. Whatever you want, Gianluca’s got you covered. Ask me for anything, I get you whatever you need.”

At this point, we totally misread the situation and asked Gianluca if he had any coke, he didn’t. After an awkward ten minute wait, we decided to have our pizza “to go”.

Having waited the sufficient three hours for our coke to arrive, we returned to the pre-arranged meeting point only to find that neither Shaun nor Swifty were anywhere to be seen. In the end, we decided to cut out losses and went to Wetherspoons, where we bought half a gram of speed of a man wearing pajamas.

In related news, claims that pizza is easier to get than cocaine in the Peruvian capital Lima were rubbished after it turned out the pizza delivery guy who made the claim was “coked up to his eyeballs” and talking shit.

Facebook Comments

Related Post

The emerging plan to save the American labor movement The Center for American Progress (CAP), one of Washington, DC’s most influential liberal think tanks with deep ties to the Obama administration and Hillary Clinton campaign, has proposed a...
AMC’s Lodge 49 is an impossible TV show to describe. I love it. Every week, we pick a new episode of the week. It could be good. It could be bad. It will always be interesting. You can read the archives here. The episode of the week for August 26 throu...
Lab-grown meat and the fight over what it can be called, explained Lab-grown meat. Cultured meat. Cell-based meat. Clean meat. It’s all the same thing: meat grown from just a few cells from an actual animal. And although it’s years away from your supermar...
The saddest on-screen deaths that shook us to the core At the beginning of the 2004 relaunch of Battlestar Galactica, Anastasia "Dee" Dualla was one of the show's beacons of hope. Youthful, optimistic, and full of life, Dee weathers the many c...

Spread the love

Posted by Contributor