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The latest reports from the streets of London, England, suggest that cocaine is now easier to get in the city than pizza, except for when you actually want it.

Sources in London claim that low-level street dealers outnumber pizza restaurants by almost six to one, making it one of Europe’s busiest drug hotspots.

We spoke to Shaun, a dealer, about the recent influx of cocaine on the capital’s streets, “You want coke mate? I’ll get you coke right now if you want it mate,” he said, while we were thinking “fuck it, when in Rome” even though we were in London. “Oh, you actually do want it, yeah let me make a call for you mate.”

After forty minutes, Shaun returned and told us he could get us coke but we’d have to wait for up to three hours for it to arrive.

“Usually I can get it for you straight away man but I’m all out and now I’ve to wait for my mate Swifty to bring it over from Brixton,” he unconvincingly explained to us. “He won’t be long, he finishes work in about two hours and it won’t take him long to get over once he’s off, it’ll be about three hours mate, max.”

At this point, we decided to go for some food while waiting for the not so swift Swifty to arrive with the goods, which we purchasing purely for research reasons. Naturally, we decided to go on the hunt for some pizza, which we found within four minutes.

We also spoke to Gianluca, owner of the cleverly named Gianluca’s Pizzeria, “We got thin crust, we got thick crust, we got pizza pie, we got calzone, we got stuffed crust, you want pizza, we got pizza. Whatever you want, Gianluca’s got you covered. Ask me for anything, I get you whatever you need.”

At this point, we totally misread the situation and asked Gianluca if he had any coke, he didn’t. After an awkward ten minute wait, we decided to have our pizza “to go”.

Having waited the sufficient three hours for our coke to arrive, we returned to the pre-arranged meeting point only to find that neither Shaun nor Swifty were anywhere to be seen. In the end, we decided to cut out losses and went to Wetherspoons, where we bought half a gram of speed of a man wearing pajamas.

In related news, claims that pizza is easier to get than cocaine in the Peruvian capital Lima were rubbished after it turned out the pizza delivery guy who made the claim was “coked up to his eyeballs” and talking shit.

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