Football has reportedly decided to stay in Russia after England were unceremoniously knocked out of the World Cup by Croatia.
According to sources close to Football, the possibility of a “hard Brexit” made the sport’s mind up and it will now take the next four days to decide whether it wants to live in France or Croatia.
“Football was never actually seriously considering going to live in England,” claimed Rugby, Football’s first cousin. “It’s an alright spot for a holiday but you really wouldn’t want to spend any longer than a week or two there, the weather is shite and the food is garbage.”
“I went there to live for a few years in 2003 and I had a horrible time,” continued Rugby. “No matter what you do over there they’re just never happy, I didn’t stick around for too long, I moved to South Africa in 2007 and then to New Zealand in 2011 and I’ve been there ever since, I’d never go back to England.”
One extremely angry English football fan claimed they didn’t really want Football to come home anyway and their country will be better off without it.
“Fuck that mate, Football can fuck off back to wherever it came from,” he told us while chugging beer and fighting back tears. “I don’t care what anyone says, Football isn’t English, it lived here for a while in the 60s and that’s it, it’s foreign and the last thing we need now in England is another bloody foreigner getting into the country.”
“I’m glad we didn’t win the World Cup,” he continued. “Because if we’d won, yeah, we’d have nothing to give out about between now and the start of next season. My life just isn’t good enough to be happy, I need something to be miserable about and this is it. Lovely jubbly, now I’m gonna go and put a chair through a window to celebrate.”
The English football team will return home tomorrow morning, weather forecasters are predicting a heavy downfall at their homecoming parade as Harry Kane will inevitably fail to keep his saliva in his mouth while giving interviews.